Smoking Is For Losers
by The Great Red Dragon
Summary: A one-shot in which Guilmon learns from Impmon's bad example that it's better not to smoke.


The day was turning out boring. The weather was gloomy and trudgy, there were no people in the park, and school was nowhere near to being over.  
  
Guilmon sat with his eyes halfway open on the dirt floor of his hut in front of the gate, his head resting between two steel bars. There was nobody there to play, nobody at all. He hadn't seen anybody in the park at all, not even a pair of squirrels.  
  
He opened his mouth widely and yawned. Saliva that had collected in his mouth for as long as he had been sitting there dripped from his lower lip as he closed his mouth. He was too tired to care about it.  
  
But then...  
  
"Hey! Stupidmon!"  
  
Usually, Guilmon would've been excited at the sound of any voice, but this was the exception. Impmon only got him in trouble and made Takato mad, so there was no sense in bothering with him.  
  
Guilmon closed his eyes completely as Impmon dropped in from overhead, landing in front of his face.  
  
"Hey, dodo-brain!", Impmon said loudly, looking at the dino-Digimon.  
  
"You've been drooling on yourself here? Is your brain so small that it doesn't even tell you to swallow?"  
  
Guilmon groaned and dropped his ears over his closed eyes.  
  
"Leave me alone...", he said quietly.  
  
"Why do ya talk to me like that, huh?", Impmon asked mockingly.  
  
"Don't you like people who've got a little sense in their head? Are you a racist or whatever? What kind of an attitude is that?"  
  
Guilmon groaned again but didn't reply.  
  
"Well", said Impmon.  
  
"Anyway, I got something here that'll light your stupid butt up right now."  
  
Guilmon looked up from behind his ears curiously.  
  
"Really?", he asked.  
  
"What?"  
  
Impmon pulled out a small, gray, paper box from behind his back.  
  
"These!", he announced, holding them in front of Guilmon's face.  
  
Guilmon lifted his head entirely and sniffed at the package. The scent was unlike anything he had ever smelled before, and it was very strong and irritated his muzzle quite a bit.  
  
"What is that?", he asked Impmon curiously.  
  
"I dunno what they're called", Impmon answered, taking the box into both of his hands.  
  
"But I see the humans with 'em all the time."  
  
Guilmon's brow furrowed in confusion.  
  
"You see them with a box?", he asked.  
  
"Not the box, you idiot", Impmon said impatiently.  
  
"It's what IN the box, bread-for-brains!"  
  
Guilmon was too interested in the object to care about Impmon's insults.  
  
"What is in the box?", he asked.  
  
Impmon, in an attempt to appear smooth, flicked the top off the box open with his thumb and pulled out what looked like a long, skinny stick.  
  
"You'll have more fun with these little babies than you ever will in your life", he stated with a smirk.  
  
Guilmon didn't see how this was possible.  
  
"No, that's not true", he corrected.  
  
"When Takatomon and I play 'come-and-catch-me', that's a lot more fun-"  
  
"You haven't even tried this, you idiot!", Impmon said hotilly as he was contradicted.  
  
Guilmon stared at what Impmon held in his hand. He didn't understand how this tiny little piece could be any funner than 'come-and-catch-me', or eating, or sleeping, or anything else for that matter...but, then again, there were a lot of things that he didn't understand.  
  
"What do you do with them?", he asked.  
  
Impmon smiled smugly, having caught his audiences' attention again.  
  
"See, you put it your mouth-", he began.  
  
"Oooh! Does it taste yummy?", Guilmon interrupted anxiously.  
  
"Let me talk!", Impmon barked loudly.  
  
"No, you don't eat them, you fool! You put 'em in your mouth (he stuck the brown end between his lips)...then you light 'em (he did so, as a small flame flickered from the tip of his thumb)...then you suck on 'em."  
  
He took a long drag into his lungs, and breathed the smoke out of his mouth.  
  
Guilmon had no idea how this could be considered great fun.  
  
"...Is it like a lollipop?", he asked quietly.  
  
"No, you nutcase", Impmon said.  
  
As he talked, the cigarette wagged up-and-down in his mouth.  
  
"You just suck on it, breathe it out, and you do that 'till it's all gone."  
  
"...That doesn't look very fun", Guilmon commented, as he saw Impmon act out the instructions.  
  
"I like 'come-and-catch-me' better."  
  
"How can you say that if you haven't ever tried it?", Impmon inquired irritably.  
  
He picked out another cigarette from the pack and handed it to Guilmon.  
  
"Here, put it in your mouth", he said, re-lighting his thumb.  
  
Guilmon hesitated...then shook his head.  
  
"No, I don't want to", he said with a frown.  
  
He had just caught a whiff of the smoke Impmon's cigarette, and it stung the inside of his nasal cavity.  
  
"Don't be a sissy scaredy-cat!", Impmon urged impatiently.  
  
"Just try it."  
  
Guilmon shook his head stubbornly.  
  
Impmon sighed heavily and intolerantly. He had a solution for this situation.  
  
"If you do it", he lied blatantly.  
  
"I'll get you ten bagsful of sugar-bread."  
  
This automatically changed Guilmon's mind ; he loved sugar-bread. He had no idea how Impmon was going to carry (or where he was even going to get) ten bagfuls of sugar-bread, but that didn't really matter at the moment.  
  
"Okay", he said, popping the cigarette in-between his lips.  
  
Impmon grinned menacingly and held his fiery thumb to the end of the smoke. A red ember appeared, indicating that it was lit.  
  
"Alrighty", he said.  
  
"Now, all ya gotta do is suck on it. Suck it into your lungs."  
  
And Guilmon did that.  
  
The next second, not only was the cigarette out of his mouth, but he was coughing and hacking up a fit as he fell back on his behind. He could actually feel his watering eyes turn as red as his flesh, and the sensation in his throat was a pain worse than that he had experience in some battles.  
  
Once he had managed to calm himself to a point where he could keep his eyes open and his mouth shut (even though his throat was still horribly inflamed), he looked at Impmon as though he had just attempted to murder him.  
  
"That's some hot stuff, huh?", the evil Digimon commented as he sucked lightly on the cigarette.  
  
"T-that wasn't f-fun at all!", Guilmon tried to shout, but it only came out as a croak.  
  
"I don't l-like that!"  
  
"Quit your complaining and pick that up", Impmon scoffed.  
  
"I didn't steal those for them to be wasted, so finish it."  
  
Guilmon shook his head angrily.  
  
"No!", he said, crossing his arms.  
  
"I don't want those yucky things!"  
  
"Fine!", Impmon said indignantly, picking up the dropped cigarette and sticking it into his mouth, along with the other one.  
  
He looked mockingly at Guilmon, who stared back with a hurt look on his face.  
  
"Oh, don't start crying, you wuss", Impmon taunted.  
  
He dragged one the cigarette and released the smoke out of his nostrils.  
  
"You're no fun", he finally equated.  
  
He jumped up lightly onto the roof of the cage in the same manner he had arrived.  
  
"You just sit like a baby while I'm out having fun!", he called as a final word before leaping away.  
  
Guilmon didn't hear this; he had unearthed a canteen of milk Takato had given him and was now chugging it as quickly as he could, hoping to quell the fire in his throat. He was unable to perform the Pyro Sphere for two days afterwards.  
  
*********  
  
A short time later, Impmon challenged Guilmon to a race. Impmon's smoking earned him out-of-shape lungs and the loser's seat, while Guilmon perform a victory dance as he won with a considerable amount of distance between him and his challenger. 


End file.
